“Sure buy four of my apples, and I'll loan ya back the ten cents.”

Image: DisneyYou’re an American! That means you’ve got money burning a hole in your pocket. If you wanted a savings account, you’d live in one of those Swiss places that has all the banks. Here, we spend all of our disposable income on shiny baubles that we don’t need. And then we charge a bunch more on credit cards! Why? Because we can! If we ever run out of money, we’ll just win another World War. We can have that attitude because we’re 2-0 when it matters, baby!

Anyway, my point is that if you like buying stuff, the American Adventure Pavilion has just the place! It’s called Heritage Manor Gift Shop, and it’s basically Disney multiplied by the Smithsonian. You won’t see that at Disneyland Paris! If you’re someone who likes tiny flags or trinkets that are red, white, and/or blue, this place is like the mothership calling you home. Go! Spend all your money! Don’t think of it as wasteful. Think of it as doing your part to boost the American economy!

“Our Philadelphia's fine food and drink!”

Image: DisneyThe American Adventure isn’t one of those pavilions with all the hoity toity Table Service meals. If you want Gjetost cheese and Norwegian meatballs, you’re at the wrong place. You want that Swiss Miss place a few doors down. This is America, and we eat American cheese, dammit!

Our food isn’t about sitting down and taking tiny sips of wine that we spit into buckets! We eat like Walt Disney’s friend, Ray Kroc, taught us. That means we eat our food fast, and we prefer it fatty. The American Adventure respects that (shorter) life choice.

Liberty Inn serves real American food like real Americans eat in real parts of America. I’m talking about flyover states, of course. Nobody in Hollywood or New York City counts. I hear they eat with forks and knives there. In the parts of the country where the normal people live, we eat burgers and fries. And we wash it all down with cokes the size of full balloons. We’re a gassy, fat people, and the Liberty Inn food lets us be ourselves.

Sometimes, this joint even throws a steak on the menu! No other World Showcase pavilion has the guts to do that! They think it seems excessive. Not for Americans, though!

Still, when you eat here, you really only have two choices. Either you order the All-American Burger or you pick something else, which is the same as confessing that you rooted for Ivan Drago over Rocky Balboa. Eat a burger. Or admit that you’re a commie. Your choice.

Image: DisneyWould you rather eat "healthy"? Okay, that's weird and un-American. Still, you’ve got another option if you want to do that. The Fife and Drum is a snack stand that offers you some turkey if you’re into leaner meat. Of course, they still do it USA-style! These drumsticks are roughly the size of your face. I presume that Disney has an underground lab that breeds some sort of genetic super-turkey with legs that rival those of NFL running backs. And they do this just so that we Americans can eat these giant legs!

That’s what happens when you have the greatest scientists in the world like America does. First, we invented the atomic bomb, then we went to the Moon, and now we’re just making gargantuan turkey legs for the fun of it. Being an American scientist is so damned great!

Oh, and the pavilion sells some giant funnel cakes, too. Why? Because you never know when an American might need some fried dough. The funnel cake place is here for the same reason that buildings have those “in case of fire, break glass” boxes. It’s for sugary dessert emergencies!