Expedition Everest

The newest attraction in this line-up is also the closest match for the current Disney attraction canon. It’s an adventure, as straight-ahead as they get, into terrain that takes away as much breath as life. At the end of the arduous quest lies a mythical beast, a world-famous one, no less. The setpieces almost write themselves.

But Expedition Everest is a strange beast. For one thing, Everest is not Everest but a fictional revision of the real thing. Then again, it’s authentic down to the prayer flags.

The attraction, masterminded by Animal Kingdom lead designer Joe Rohde, is a painstaking recreation of and tribute to the Himalayan villages that inspired it. The Tibetan and Nepalese buildings spell their stories in settling cracks. Some of the details like windowsills were commissioned from the source and dressed in Florida, sometimes by hammer and chainsaw. The yeti museum that guests wander through used to be a tea warehouse, a detail they’d only notice with time and attention. For all the pulpy thrills ahead, the mood is sober, the tone respectful.

Any adaptation of the misfortunes that befall Norbu and Bob’s Himalayan Escapes would need to be treated with the same grace. A snowy riff on The Mummy wouldn’t work - the third film already tried that, yetis and all. But a folly-of-man expedition ala King Kong already matches the ride’s narrative - it’s the Abominable Snowman’s world, we’re just trespassing in it.

With the right locations, proper production design, and creative input from the locals, this could be a change of pace for big-screen adventures. Instead of heightening everything around the heroes, the trick is surrounding the one unreal element with absolute reality. The audience needs to believe the yeti is real. He deserves nothing less.

ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter

Admittedly, this is a Hail Mary.

The only attraction in Disney theme park history that closed due to repeated complaints of emotional trauma is not, on its face, a wise attraction to adapt. However, with the possible exception of Epcot’s Horizons, there is no deceased experience with a stronger post-mortem fanbase.

ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter is the candle that burned twice as bright, half as long. In its earliest stages, the creature-in-question was to be the famed xenomorph of the Alien franchise. It took some elder Imagineers recruiting George Lucas, then consulting on Star Tours, to make Michael Eisner throttle back on the dread, but only just. The slimy thing in the dark might’ve had a few more wings than planned, but the corporate malevolence survived every draft intact.

Capitalist meatgrinder X-S Tech - say it fast - has set its intergalactic sights on Earth as the next major market to corner. It has everything to offer - genetic engineering, cryo-cybernetics, planetary restructuring, - and nothing to gain but our gratitude and cash. To prove its high-tech bonafides, X-S Chairman Clench volunteers to teleport in for a personal sales pitch. But alas, due to a little incompetence and a lot of irresponsibility, a more literally blood-thirsty alien touches down and wreaks havoc on the restrained audience.

The only thing salvaging it from complete despair was a jet-black sense of humor. If the studio ever wanted to roll the dice on something mean, there’s no other theme park attraction that comes close to its lackadaisical cruelty and built-in fandom. The only thing standing in the way is optics. When Alien Encounter was built in 1994, the designers could work in jokes about “The Walt Disney Company’s Pan Galactic Stockholders Meeting.” These days, the company looks a lot more like the squeaky-keen megaconglomerate looking to homogenize the universe at any cost.