Star Tours

You have to go to movies you love on opening night, and you have a symbiotic relationship with your local Comic Book Guy. You have a shocking amount of money invested into your collectibles. Seriously, it’s the equivalent of the Gross National Product of a small country. You refuse to acknowledge that the prequels happened, and you call your friends liars when they remind you how much you used to say you loved them. You once loved George Lucas, but now you’re relieved that Disney owns all the stories he helped to create. Perhaps hypocritically, you make fun of anyone walking around in a Starfleet uniform.

The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror

Any time something eerie happens to you, you hear the voice of Rod Serling and mentally add the Twilight Zone theme song music. You are deathly afraid of elevators – or at least you should be. You have an unhealthy distrust of bellhops and never tip. You often wake from nightmares where you dream of falling. A friend tried to tell you that Night Gallery was just as good a TV show as Twilight Zone once…but only once. You never know if you’re going up or down – and that excites you. You feel a certain connection to Love in an Elevator, even though most people associate it with a different Hollywood Studios attraction.

Toy Story Midway Mania

You’re an avid gamer and your snack of choice comes from Pizza Planet. You treat Woody/Buzz debates the same way some people do “Tastes great/Less filling!” Carnies fear you for your prize-winning abilities. In your mind, there’s Pixar and everything else – and everything else is garbage. You enjoy talking to potatoes. There’s a snake in your boot. You miss Andy, but Bonnie’s pretty great. Suffice to say that your friends are an eclectic bunch. Finally, you fear your neighbor and with good reason. That kid's a menace.

Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith

You’re a fast starter. You are 100 percent in charge of the tunes in your car. Your vehicle has the most expensive audio system of anyone you know – or don’t. I’m not saying you’re a groupie (*ahem Band Aid*) but all the groupies know you by name. Also, Steven Tyler has a restraining order against you. I’m not calling you old, per se, but you were already rocking in the 1970s and you’re still around today. Your music playlist is always on shuffle. Nobody will ever call you a one-hit wonder. There’s no polite way to say this: The rest of the band hates you, and you fight all the time.

Expedition Everest

You are an avid climber and have more than your fair share of horror stories that take place on mountains. The Bumble is your favorite character in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. You don’t care if something gets broken. You love it just as much anyway. During your trips to other continents, you collect every knickknack in sight. Winter is your favorite season. Sometimes you feel like you’re going backward at maximum velocity.

Kilimanjaro Safaris

You have a season pass to the zoo, and you visit enough that you have a favorite animal that recognizes you each time. No matter how many other car dealers offer you a better deal, you only drive Jeeps. Your cellphone camera is always at the ready since you never know when the opportunity to capture an action shot might arise. Your passport has tons of stamps on it. You didn’t always stay out late, but you recently decided that you want to be a night owl.

Kali River Rapids

You have a splashy personality, although some people describe you as a wet blanket. You’re a people person and love to carpool. You feel like you’re capable of being a lot better than you currently are. While you haven’t gone in for cosmetic surgery yet, you also recognize that a few small repairs couldn’t hurt. You always feel like your life is spinning out of control and that you could go off the rails at any point, but you never do. If you ever do break down, the fire department will have to come save you.

Dinosaur

Night of the Comet is your least favorite movie. The Toronto Raptors are your favorite sports team. Meanwhile, you root for the bad guys in Jurassic Park. You’re oddly fond of Chris Pratt even though you secretly hope to kill him one day. Anything involving a time machine has your attention, especially Doctor Who. If anyone ever confuses a T-Rex for an Allosaurus, you belittle them for making such an unforgivable mistake. You still know exactly where your childhood dinosaur toys are and any time your parents indicate they want to throw out the storage box, you grow indignant. Whenever you visit The Smithsonian, you feel like the mothership has called you home.

Primeval Whirl

Image: Disney

Please don't take this personally, but you make me sick to my stomach.