Minion Park

What is coming soon is Minions, Minions by the soundstage.

Universal wasted no time giving up the ghost about its Shrek 4-D replacement, slapping Minions graffiti on the construction walls overnight. The art confirms rumors that Orlando Park Stop has been whispering since 2018. Whether it is, as predicted, an attraction based on the Villain-Con event from 2015’s Minions remains to be seen. For now, that little hint is enough to get another, bigger rumor mill churning.

At last count, Universal Orlando is the only company outpost without a Minion-centric land on the map or drawing board. Japan has Minion Park. Singapore is supposed to get one eventually. Hollywood has Super Silly Fun Land. It doesn’t take an evil genius to notice which dot remains unconnected.

With Despicable Me Minion Mayhem and the new Minion experience soon to take up two-thirds of Production Central, the obvious move would be to annex the rest of it, paint it yellow, and make it vaguely pill-shaped. Then again, in regards to obvious moves, see above.

The former Lucy - A Tribute museum, now split between Betty Boop and Hello Kitty merchandise, would make for a larger dedicated merchandise space than the exit of Minion Mayhem. The Classic Monsters Cafe now carries undue weight as the only representation of Frankenstein and friends outside the Horror Make-up Show, but it’s been bearing that load for 23 years. The area needs a cafeteria no matter who’s standing on the roof, but it’s not hard to imagine shorter mascots spinning over the Icee stand.

At least what’s left of the view might be a little clearer.

When the park opened, guests could see clean from the studio gates all the way down to the - can it be? - New York skyline. It was another movie magic trick, arguably the first any visitor ever witnessed. Today, that magic trick looks more like an interstate exit. A roller coaster blows the forced perspective. The Monsters take turns hocking their wares. Not to mention the other assorted leaners-in like Jimmy Fallon and those pesky Minions. The clutter isn’t necessarily a complaint - Universal Studios Florida hasn’t been about pulling back the curtain in a long time - but it is a growing pain, still growing and still painful.

Universal Studios Florida needs a new front end. Not the gates, but the concourse just past them, Production Central on down the Plaza of the Stars. In 1990, the faux-front lot aesthetic was novel. Disney-MGM Studios opted for the famous “Hollywood-That-Never-Was” style. Though it didn’t match the livewire excitement of being so close to the action, that strategy certainly won the war.

A Minion Park makeover is certainly a solution but looked at with any scope, a solution in the sense that a band-aid fixes a broken bone.

The venue formerly known as the Blue Man Group Theatre stands vacant, as easily walkable as Nickelodeon was so many years ago. Using the Incredible Hulk’s retracking as a reference, Hollywood Rip Ride Rockit will be reaching its obsolescence around 2025. Would Universal re-purchase a coaster that never matched it in fandom or iconography, and that has run ragged since opening day? It remains to be seen, but the pieces are all there for a dramatic restructuring of the entrance as we’ve known it for 22 years.

The new Minions attraction will lend some thematic unity by default, but it's worth remembering what it seems to be. Permits and word of mouth paint a stand-through experience using moving walkways, inobtrusive enough to leave the HHN-reliant second theater functionally intact. On its own terms, that doesn't sound like an especially permanent addition.

As anything other than a holding pattern overlay, Minion Park is just a different way to muddy up and already messy corner of Universal Orlando. 

Fear Factor Live Replacement

There are no carelessly placed bananas to hint at whatever’s happening to the former Fear Factor Live arena, although a peel or two would’ve been nice to at least let people know it was dead. The space has been on the chopping block multiple times. It’s imminent demise is so regular that anyone with a forum account would hold their breath around Halloween Horror Nights on reflex. But the demolition permits have finally, unmistakably tolled.

The hot rumor is that the quietest side of Universal Studios Florida will be absorbed by the London façade, complementing Diagon Alley with another Harry Potter-based attraction. Without getting too far into the weeds with its provenance or ride system - word is it’s a VR experience originally designed for Epic - this is just shy of a sure thing.

Put bluntly, what else is Universal going to do with it?

The amphitheater structure is coming down, ruling out a replacement show or augmentation to fit a bigger one. If a new arena was built from scratch, it would presumably have to play ball with either London or World Expo. The James Bond ship already sailed and a different superspy sank it. Though the exposition theme used to encompass the Institute of Future Technology and the International Food and Film Festival, now it only excuses the convention center across the lagoon, and Men in Black: Alien Attack isn’t getting any younger.

Short of wiping out the best shoot-em-up in Orlando and building a whole new land, the smartest move, maybe the only move, is to hand over the arena to the wizards. Whatever they do with it, it’s about time.

KidZone Replacement

The world’s largest Rorschach test. Some look at it and see an obvious Nintendo land, equally confident it’s either Pokemon or the Mario-centric area backslid off the Epic Universe plans. Others swear they see the Kung Fu Panda land from Beijing or a SpongeBob SquarePants land or...or...etc.

As close as this dead-end once was to the wrecking ball - close enough to call for rerouted HHN queues - there’s no reason to believe change is coming soon. The permits point elsewhere. The rumor mill hasn’t slowed down but it also hasn’t spit out anything new or of note in a while.

For now, presumably until the new campus opens and then some, KidZone will endure. It’s just too strong for conventional weaponry or IPs to take down.