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Kali River Rapids

A family onboard Kali River Rapids
Image: Disney

The reputation of rapids afflicts more than just Universal.

Kali River Rapids commands longer lines than Bilge-Rat Barges, but that’s more FastPass inflation than demand. Most mornings it’s a walk-on. Most afternoons it stays under an hour. Best of all, depending on your disposition, it won’t make your clothes damp all day.

Whereas Bilge-Rat Barges is necessarily expressionistic, Kali opts for an understated naturalism. More than any other attraction in Animal Kingdom, it feels like a seamless, inobtrusive extension of the scenery. What little plot there is hides in the margins, on walls full of authentic imports, between posters for legitimate Bollywood blockbusters.

Short story long, loggers have set their sights on the Chakranadi River. Befitting the park’s ecological mission, this is bad news for rafters and worse news for the jungle. There’s more to it - keener eyes can chart the entire business history of “Kali Rapids Expeditions” - but that’s all the ride proper really needs. It’s as simple as Popeye, but not quite as engaging.

If there’s a fault to Kali, it’s that not much happens. After the starting lift hill, rafts bob around gentle turns, reach the charred logging camp, fall, and bob back to the station. The forest fire used to actually have, well, fire, but that’s been turned off for a while now. The only real novelty is the 25-foot drop.

But don’t underestimate that view.

Kali feels like a Jungle Cruise with the animals missing, likely a leftover from its earliest designs as a waterlogged Kilimanjaro Safari. The point is less the thrills than the serene spirit. Jasmine and ginger are piped in with the mist. Mount Everest, added seven years later, fits the horizon like it’s always been there. Elephant sculptures make pedestrian-controlled soakings almost classy.

It’s a lesser rapids ride by attraction standards, but still a peaceful way to cool off on days when all the air-conditioned activities already have triple-digit waits.

Journey to Atlantis

Journey to Atlantis from afar
Image: Flickr, user: Roller Coaster Philosophy (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/)

Much like the sunken city itself, time has not been kind to Atlantis.

It opened in 1998 as the first shot in a war it soon thereafter surrendered. Journey to Atlantis was the first major-league themed attraction in SeaWorld history. It wasn’t just a log flume. It wasn’t just a roller coaster. It was both. Suddenly the animals were not the only stars.

Suddenly SeaWorld had to deal with special effects.

The original plot of Journey to Atlantis was simple enough - the golden seahorse guides wayward travelers from the waterways of Greece to the submerged plazas of Atlantis, all one step ahead of the evil goddess Alura - but the execution was fragile. So fragile, that any two effects conking out could leave riders in the dark, sometimes literally. It was confusing, scary, and disarming from the outside, a lethal recipe last seen in ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter. Though it doomed that attraction faster, Atlantis limped on.

Effects disappeared. So did lines. Roller coasters overtook themed entertainment as SeaWorld’s other draw. In 2016, the neighboring Kraken added virtual-reality headsets. Rumors swirled about a decade-overdue refurbishment to Atlantis, bringing it in line with the new narrative. An extended refurbishment closed the attraction not long after.

It reopened as a ghost of its former self.

Any and all special effects left standing were removed. The foreboding soundtrack, as well as a confounding cameo from Danny Elfman’s Beetlejuice theme, was replaced with study music from the recently shuttered A’lure show. The effect is less frightening, but more unnerving; it’s impossible to miss the massive medusa head hanging over you in the dark.

To date, there’s no plot besides the tide.

Still, Journey to Atlantis is one-of-a-kind. Even in Orlando, no other park has attempted this kind of hybrid. Though the theming is gone, likely forever, the bones are worth excavating. It’s become an archaeological site unto itself, what could’ve been and what almost was.

And, as advertised, it does still get you wet. The bonus here is that you also get a little A-C out of the deal.

Leapfrog Fountains

Leapfrog Fountains outside the Imagination pavilion
Image: Theme Park Tourist

From the most complicated hydration system to the simplest.

There’s little more to these than the technology in a basic drinking fountain, though in light of recent events it should be emphasized that this water is not for drinking. This is strictly for imagination.

The effect is Epcot history, as old as the Imagination pavilion. There’s no fanfare or unnecessary artifice to it - the fountains just are. They’re easy to miss, too. With the Disney & Pixar Short Film Festival moved in for the foreseeable future and Journey Into Imagination with Figment still only dreaming of refurbishment, there’s not much reason to go poking around behind the upside down waterfall.

The reward for wandering is peace and quiet in a park that just lost a lot of both, at least in the front half. The only sounds are the hush of fast water and the New Age background loop. If nobody’s around, you get to watch the leapfrogs leap in crystal-clear arcs. If anybody wanders the same way, you may get to watch them take a leapfrog to the back of the head.

Kids will run themselves ragged figuring out the pattern. Adults will tolerate them long enough to forget the pattern. Fun is had by all. Even if you don’t intend on studying them for long, it’s worth passing under the fountains just to appreciate their beauty. Just be warned that other admirers may soak you with a bad ricochet. Then again, that's the refreshing part.

 
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