6. TRON Track
Video: YouTube, @Streaming the Magic
I can’t take credit for this one, but it’s just so accurate. Epcot’s Test Track is essentially a TRON tribute in disguise.
For those unfamiliar with the ride’s history, Test Track didn’t always look like a trip to The Grid—the ride used to be something of a cheeky romp through a series of automobile crash tests with you as the test dummies. We particularly enjoyed the well-played joke where guests realized they’d been scheduled for a barrier test, only for the wall to disappear just as you’re about to smack into it.
The new version of the ride isn’t exactly an exercise in humor. Everything about it is sleek. Instead of guests participating in physical crash tests, guests are now transported into a digital world of neon circuits, geometric landscapes, and endless black voids to try out automobiles of their own design.
Not entirely far off from the plot of TRON…
Guests won’t have to wait too much longer to have their TRON fever fulfilled—it’s looking likely that construction for TRON Lightcycle / Run at Magic Kingdom will complete either late this year or some time in 2022. In the meanwhile, on your next ride on Test Track, feel free to loudly declare that “I fight for the users!”.
7. Now Hiring! Hondo Ohnaka’s Perfectly Legitimate Shipping Enterprise
Millennium Falcon: Smugglers Run is the dream ride of many a lifelong Star Wars fan, allowing guests the chance to pilot the fastest ship in the galaxy hands-on.
It has a whopper of a weird backstory…
You see, Millennium Falcon: Smugglers Run isn’t just a clever ride idea. It’s actually a canon story in Star Wars history starring you taking part in an elaborate job interview for the galaxy’s most infamous huckster.
After the events of Star Wars: The Last Jedi, the Resistance is in a pretty bad place. They suffered heavy losses during the Battle of Crait, and they’re in pressing need of a new base, new recruits, and—most mundanely—fuel. General Leia’s top agent, Vi (the Spy) Moradi, finds the Resistance a base on Batuu and starts gathering recruits, but all that does them little good without fuel to get their ships off-world.
Looking for solutions to their predicament, Chewbacca realizes that Batuu just happens to be the home base of an old associate—Hondo Ohnaka, the Star Wars equivalent of The Most Interesting Man in the World. Hondo is one shady, shady dude, and he just happens to have recently started up a perfectly legitimate import/export business which is totally-not-at-all-a-smuggling-operation… It even has a properly respectable name: Ohnaka Transport Solutions.
Hondo offers a proposal to Chewie. Hondo needs a decent ship for his smug—er, shipping business. Chewie needs coaxium (space fuel) for the Resistance. Hondo can get such-said coaxium if Chewie will just let him borrow the Millennium Falcon for a few jobs.
The only problem is Hondo doesn’t have a flight crew, so he does the most reasonable thing in the situation—he invites every drifter, scoundrel, and morally-dubious spacer on Batuu to try out for job by taking The Falcon for a spin. One of those butterfingered flight crews happens to include you--oh, and your interview just happens to be that smugglers run to pick up the coaxium the Resistance so desperately needs.
Congratulations! You’re now a part of Star Wars history as the galaxy’s luckiest job fair attendee!
8. Countdown to Extinction… For Kids!
Countdown to Extinction was one of Disney’s most terrifying rides ever—certainly not as scary as the infamous ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter but still up there. The ride launched guests into the final moments of the cretaceous period for a high speed chase through a pitch black hellscape into the realm of some very unhappy dinosaurs, including a particularly ill-tempered carnotaurus.
This may sound familiar, but in the original version of the ride, the scare factor was amplified to the umpteenth level with a bleak backstory, plummeting fireballs, smothering darkness, and one jump scare after another, including the particularly terrifying effect of the carnotaurus physically chasing your ride vehicle at murderous speed. It was one heck of a thrill ride.
So what did Disney do? They tied it to an adorable kids’ movie.
As the story goes, then-CEO Michael Eisner had high hopes for Dinosaur to be one of the company’s biggest hits. It was decided that company interests would be served best by retheming Countdown to Extinction to match the film.
This seems like a perfectly rational idea except for… well, the whole kids part.
Despite Disney’s best efforts, there was no way to quietly downplay how scary Countdown to Extinction was—the ride was three minutes of mind-numbing terror. Some footage from Dinosaur was included in the pre-show, and the ride movements were slightly adjusted to allow for smaller guests to ride. Some of the more jarring effects were also toned back, including lighting up the carnotaurus before he appears instead of just having him launch out of the dark like a Balrog chasing Hobbits.
Now the ride is totally, completely kid-friendly… right down to the fountains outside.
9. Injun Joe’s Friendly Neighborhood Murder Labyrinth
We do love Tom Sawyer Island here at Theme Park Tourist—particularly any opportunity to poke fun at the marvelous contradiction which is Injun Joe’s Cave.
For those unfamiliar, one of the top highlights of a visit to Tom Sawyer Island is the chance to explore Tom’s favorite caves. Most of these are fairly innocuous, including Tom’s personal escape tunnel under Fort Langhorn and the oh-so-sparkly Mystery Mine. Both are a little dark and claustrophobic but fit the island’s spirit of spry adventure well.
Then there’s Injun Joe’s Cave…
There are lots of things that make Injun Joe’s Cave feel a little different… It’s significantly longer than the other caves, with plenty of pitch black corners where guests can easily get turned around. It bears several passages so narrow that explorers with broader builds might fear getting stuck…
There’s also the whole backstory that Injun Joe is a murderous psychopath…
Injun Joe was one of Mark Twain’s nastiest villains and Tom Sawyer’s greatest adversary. His likes included sharpening his knife, terrorizing children, wanton murder, and threatening to carve up widows. His cave isn’t so much his abode as his murder-dungeon. During your grand tour, guests can enjoy passing views of his lovely skull-cavern, his favorite bottomless pit, and catch a glimpse of his personal prison cell… glowing with a fitting shade of mmmmurrder red.
Disney magic at its finest… Jeebly-jeebly-jeebly.
10. OW-OW-OW-OW-OW!
So fast… soooooo painful. Anyone who’s taken a dive down Blizzard Beach’s Summit Plummet gets this one...
What are your best overly-literal ride names for Disney attractions? Have some fun and let us know in the comments or on Facebook!
Enjoy this article? Keep reading to learn…
- What to Expect RIGHT NOW at Disney’s Animal Kingdom at Full Capacity
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Comments
Ha ha Jett, you are such a treasure. LOVED this article. My name for Summit Plummet would be "Zero to Wedgie in 2.6 Seconds." Also, Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, or as many remember it, "Mr. Toad's One-Way Ticket To Hell."
My sister is going to experience Tom Sawyer Island for the first time later this year (she's in her late thirties) and I can't wait to send her your commentary on that nightmare-filled corner of the otherwise happiest place on Earth.