5. LARGE-CAPACITY SIMULATOR

THE BEST: Flight of Passage

Runners-up: Soarin', STAR TOURS: The Adventures Continue

It was the original Lost Legend: STAR TOURS that kicked off both the "Age of the Simulator" and the "Ride the Movies" era. But at least in terms of large-capacity simulators, AVATAR Flight of Passage at Disney's Animal Kingdom is a pinnacle of both. Taking that which Disney learned from the grace and majesty of Soarin' and merging it with the action and energy of Star Tours, Flight of Passage is a masterclass in making simulators emotional. It's a captivating, colorful, powerful journey through the moon of Pandora. There's just no question that Flight of Passage serves as a high water mark for what simulators can be... Which makes it so interesting that Orlando's lowest example of the genre opened the same year... 

THE WORST: Race Through New York Starring Jimmy Fallon

When rumors began to suggest that Universal Orlando was looking into a “Race Through New York” attraction, many commentators imagined that the new attraction would be Universal’s version of Soarin’; that, in the style of Universal’s best “spoofs,” it would utilize a similar suspended hang-glider ride system and a jazzy score, merely trading the majestic vistas of California for the intentionally-comedic sights, sounds, and smells of the streets of New York, New York. Just imagine: gliding over 30 Rock’s ice rink as skaters duck out of the way, smelling pizza over Brooklyn and perfume on 5th Avenue, circling back for a view of the city from Lady Liberty… This Soarin’ send-off could’ve been both a comedic spoof of the city and a love letter to the cultural capitol of the United States! 

Unfortunately, Race Through New York was merely the umpteenth ride at the park that hands riders 3D glasses, jostles them around in front of a screen, spritzes them with water, sends them incoherently rumbling through a CGI scene, then sends them packing. Universal Creative, if you're reading this, we'd prefer the armchair-imagined version rather than the real thing... 

6. FLUME-BASED DARK RIDE

THE BEST: Pirates of the Caribbean

Runners-up: Frozen Ever After, Splash Mountain, Jurassic Park River Adventure

If you’re an industry fan, you’ll hear time and time again that Magic Kingdom’s Pirates of the Caribbean pales in comparison to Disneyland’s. And okay, okay, yes, Disneyland’s is a classic masterpiece and a Disneyland-exclusive that should make Disney World fans jealous. But Magic Kingdom’s Pirates is still an amazing experience from beginning to end. Famously, the ride did not open with Magic Kingdom in 1971. (Designers had instead planned for a Frontierland-set Magic Kingdom-exclusive – the never-built Possibilityland: Western River Expedition until too many guests turned up at City Hall demanding to know where “the pirate ride” was, making executives rethink their plans and build Pirates instead.) So though it may not be as acclaimed as its Californian sister, Magic Kingdom’s Pirates is still one of the best dark rides of all time.

THE WORST: Journey to Atlantis

Poor SeaWorld gets another strike by way of its other attempt to take on Disney and Universal directly! When Journey to Atlantis opened in 1998, it really did have the makings of a Disney-esque dark ride. Inside the picturesque palace of Atlantis, guests were placed in the midst of a battle between good and evil, embodied by a golden seahorse spirit and an ancient siren. But uneven execution, faltering effects, and an increasingly unintelligible plot eventually overwhelmed the ride. The subject of its own, standalone Declassified Disaster: Journey to Atlantis feature, we dove into the troubling mess that the ride became before losing its characters, effects, and story entirely to become a leisurely sightseeing cruise through static dark ride scenes with characters merely unlit and frozen in place. Yikes.

7. COASTER WITH DARK RIDE ELEMENTS

THE BEST: Revenge of the Mummy

Runners-up: Expedition Everest, Hagrid’s Magical Creatures Motorbike Adventure, Harry Potter and the Escape from Gringotts, TRON Lightcycle Run(?)

Though it may not be everyone’s cup of tea (and while our Runners-up, below, are all close calls), the definitive “coaster with dark ride elements” in Orlando really has to be the Modern Marvel: Revenge of the Mummy. In all quantifiable terms a family coaster (including a lower speed, smaller drops, and the same height requirement as Expedition Everest), Mummy again occupies that glorious “pre-screen” era at Universal, brilliantly mixing animatronics, fire, projections, fog, synchronized on-ride audio, and a handful of special effects (including, for example, a backwards section, a 180-degree turntable, a surprise uphill launch, and a “fake unload station”). Revenge of the Mummy is really a gem in Universal’s crown, which means, yes, you should include it in your prayers every night in fear Universal will tear it out to replace it with whatever’s hot at the box office. 

THE WORST: Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster

As we’ve said for a number of “worsts” on our list, Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith is in no way a “bad” ride, and if you can think of a dark ride / coaster hybrid in Orlando that’s “worse,” we’d be happy to hear you out. Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster does have a lot going for it. It’s, by far, the most thrilling coaster at a Disney Park outside of Disneyland Paris’ Space Mountain. It’s pure, adrenaline-packing fun. And if you love Aerosmith, it’s a headliner!

Okay, out of all the dark ride / coaster combos in Orlando, Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster is trying to do something different. It’s not trying to be a dark ride; it just happens to have blacklight, oversized, comically-exaggerated Los Angeles landmarks around its course. But when a clone of the ride opened at Walt Disney Studios in Paris in 2002, it dropped the blacklight cut-out props in favor of a highly-orchestrated, hypnotic light show synched to the coaster’s moves – an actually impressive dark ride-esque element!…

Even then, Paris’ version is long gone, giving way to an Iron Man overlay (which, before you ask, is not permitted in Orlando). In the new hyper-immersive, IP-focused world of Imagineering, it seems unlikely that Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith will last forever, but what could be done to transform this thrill-focused E-Ticket into a ride that matches the current direction of Hollywood Studios rather than the piecemeal soundstage-based former? Stay turned to Theme Park Tourist for our idea… 

8. "STORYBOOK" DARK RIDE

THE BEST: Peter Pan’s Flight (Magic Kingdom)

Runners-up: "it's a small world," Frozen Ever After, ET Adventure, Journey of the Little Mermaid

No surprise here that the best storybook dark ride for families is comfortably at the center of Orlando’s storybook family park. Peter Pan’s Flight is, of course, an Opening Day original for Magic Kingdom and a fan-favorite. That’s probably why it’s one of the hottest tickets at the park, regularly earning lengthy wait times. Peter Pan’s Flight is joyful and simple, sending guests memorably flying over a miniature London then off to Neverland where scenes of mermaids, Indians, and pirates await. Even if it’s a classic, Disney has offered a lot of tender loving care to the ride over the decades, regularly adding contemporary flourishes that still keep the ride classic. And our pick for the “worst” storybook dark ride in Orlando could use that... 

THE WORST: Cat in the Hat (Universal’s Islands of Adventure)

In designing Islands of Adventure and its literary lands filled with evergreen IPs, Universal’s nabbing of the rights to build attractions based on the timeless, iconic, and unmistakable works of Dr. Seuss was a major win. If Seuss Landing is Islands’ Fantasyland, then “Cat in the Hat” could be its Peter Pan’s Flight; a downright iconic dark ride through a beloved story, enjoyed over and over and over by families. Unfortunately, Cat in the Hat seems to have gotten approximately zero love since the park’s 1999 opening. 

Even amidst its chaotic scenes, one look at the ride and it's obvious that it's rife with odd, incandescent spotlighting, weird expanses without music, mis-cued effects, bleeding audio zones and crackled speakers, fading paint, and half-animated figures that make it almost creepy. So yes, if Universal ever wants to truly match Disney, Seuss Landing needs at least two more rides (we’re all for a Jungle-Cruise style ride alongside Horton and the long-rumored Mount Crumpit family coaster with The Grinch). But an intentional and thoughtful refreshing of Cat in the Hat with improved lighting, animatronics, on-board audio, projection, and more would go a long way… Sure it’s just a family dark ride… But it’s the park’s only.