5. Universal Studios Florida

Like Disney’s Orlando “studio” park, Universal’s has been undergoing a continuous transformation over the decades meant to downplay its bland, beige, “backlot” style of seeing behind the scenes in favor of stepping into hot intellectual properties.The resulting immersive worlds resulting from it – Diagon Alley and Springfield, U.S.A. – are impressive additions (even if they’re reminders of the park’s worrying turnover rate, having killed the Lost Legends: JAWS and Back to the Future - The Ride respectively). 

Lucky for us in our sacrificial-decision-making, Universal Studios Florida also has some staggering flaws: chiefly, its overreliance on screens, and its desperate attempts to incorporate flavor-of-the-week properties regardless of their longevity. The result is that the park seems to design rides to last seasons, not decades, and the quickly aging pop culture innuendos and film references aren’t exactly evergreen...

VOTED OUT OF UNIVERSAL STUDIOS FLORIDA: In this case, there’s actually two rides we’re equally eager to get rid of. A few years ago, rumors began to swirl that Universal was planning to build hang-gliding simulator across the sights, sounds, and smells of New York City – an east-coast ode to Soarin' Over California with Universal's patented mix of actually-impressive and tongue-in-cheek. You can even imagine it with Tina Fey at the helm, creating a musical, comical, 30 Rock-flavored tour of the city perfect for the New York land of the park… But then, it was announced as Race Through New York Starring Jimmy Fallon, the resort’s umpteenth “jostled in a box with 3D glasses” simulator through overtly CG environments and dated humor.

It could only be upstaged (or, downstaged?) by Fast & Furious: Supercharged, potentially the worst Disney or Universal attraction in operation in the U.S. today. As if the 360-degree projection tunnel experience and its laughable animation and dialogue wasn’t cringe-worthy enough as the “grand finale” of Universal Studios Hollywood’s Studio Tour, it was exported to Orlando as a standalone attraction that’s literally abysmal. Frankly, the resort would do well to get rid of both; they’d save operating costs and save their reputation. 

6. Disney’s Animal Kingdom

In some ways, Disney’s Animal Kingdom may be the toughest choice of all… after all, while it’s tied with Hollywood Studios among U.S. Disney and Universal parks for “fewest rides,” it definitely has fewer anchors… and thus, most candidates for sacrifice. Frankly, the all-too-easy choice would be to wipe out one of the rides in Disney’s most misunderstood land – the Declassified Disaster: Chester & Hester’s Dino-Rama. But as that in-depth entry proves, there is more than meets the eye to the roadside-attraction-inside-Animal-Kingdom. Besides, its two attractions – yet-another-Dumbo-spin-off called Triceratop Spin and the bare steel wild mouse roller coaster Primeval Whirl – add much-needed family capacity to the park.

You might even offer that shuttering Kali River Rapids in the park’s Asia would be a possibility given that it’s largely hidden from guest view, not-quite-an-anchor-attraction, and that Disney never did seem to figure out how to make such spinning rapids rides merge with their signature storytelling (see also, California Adventure and Shanghai Disneyland). 

VOTED OUT OF ANIMAL KINGDOM: Luckily, we might have an ace in the hole. A strange outlier at Disney's Animal Kingdom has always been the Wildlife Express – a train that departs from the picturesque Harambe... and proceeds to immediately "break" the illusion of the park by expressly touring through the real animal housing facilities behind Kilimanjaro Safaris. The train's destination is also odd... 

The "function" of the Wildlife Express is merely to ferry guests to Rafiki's Planet Watch, the park's version of a hands-on Metro Park visitors' center drenched in '90s design and flat character cut-outs. A mini science-museum, Planet Watch gives guests the chance to see the park's veterinarians in action, offers a hands-on petting zoo, and (new in 2019) offers the "Animation Experience" to learn to draw characters. It's a temporary-feeling experience that's not really worth the time and energy needed to reach it, so flipping the switch on the Wildlife Express tackles two problems at once.

7. Universal’s Islands of Adventure

Altogether, Islands of Adventure has a fairly strong ride lineup, and a very nice balance of attractions for the whole family. Frankly, it’s tough to pick a single ride to sacrifice that doesn’t feel needed in the park for balance, kinetics, or narrative. For example, Seuss Landing needs each family attraction it offers (and honestly, probably one or two more); rides like Storm Force Acceleration (a spinning tea-cup ride), the High in the Sky Seuss Trolley Train Ride (a Peoplemover-style scenic attraction) or the Flight of the Hippogriff family coaster seem like easy choices, but all three were added to the park after opening because they were so desperately needed by families.

The water rides of Toon Lagoon admittedly also made our list of Endangered Attractions That Might Not Survive the 2020s, but merely because Universal’s recent IP acquisitions may prove a better use for the space, not because we’d willingly sacrifice them. In other words, it’s tough to pinpoint a single attraction we’d be okay with Islands of Adventure losing... 

VOTED OUT OF ISLANDS OF ADVENTURE: Though we may have some real problems with a number of the park’s individual pieces (chiefly, Cat in the Hat, Jurassic Park River Adventure, and Reign of Kong, which all need some significant updates), the ride we’d get rid of is probably Pteranodon Flyers – a largely failed experiment in equipping the park with ultra-low-capacity ride that’s just not appropriate for a global destination park.

8. Disney California Adventure

Disney California Adventure is obviously a park defined by transformation. As longtime readers know, we dug into the theme park’s disastrous opening and billion-dollar rebirth in-depth, watching as its ride count and storytelling expanded and contracted over its two-decade life. Today, that growth continues (albeit axing California in favor of Marvel and Pixar), turning Disney California Adventure into one of the most unusual and interesting Disney Parks on Earth. From the 1920s Buena Vista Street to the jewel-tone Victorian turrets of Pixar Pier, the park offers more rides than Epcot, Hollywood Studios, or Animal Kingdom, even if it’s propped up by a number of carnival rides. 

VOTED OUT OF CALIFORNIA ADVENTURE: If one, single ride at Disney California Adventure needed to close, we’d probably cast our ballot for Goofy’s Sky School – the Californian cousin to Animal Kingdom’s Primeval Whirl. When the park opened, the bare steel carnival coaster was hideously themed as an advertisement for sponsor Alamo car rentals, disguised behind a giant cartoon foldout map of Mulholland Drive. At least the park’s rebirth saw it redecorated to a vintage Goofy short. But still, this ride isn’t fit for a Disney Park, or for the Victorian-flavored Paradise Gardens leisure park land it calls home.

Voted out?

Do we think Disney Parks will weather the storm of COVID-19 by simply closing one attraction in each park? Of course not. As The Walt Disney Company seeks to recoup tens of billions of dollars it’s estimated to lose across its portfolio, changes within the theme parks will be but one potential solution… and they’re absolutely unlikely to be as simple as what we’ve shown here. Instead, this is merely a way to imagine the unspeakable ramifications of the 2020 pandemic through a somewhat lighthearted lens… Would you be for or against these particular rides closing with COVID-19 as the “excuse?” Which attractions would you happily have removed during the closures? Let us know in the comments below!