Space Mountain

Image: DisneyYes, I understand that this statement is blasphemy to some people. Even I feel conflicted about it.

Here’s my reality when I visit Magic Kingdom. I enter the park with countless plans for the day. Space Mountain is inevitably part of said plans. I simply cannot imagine a day at the Most Magical Place on Earth that doesn’t involve a trip on the Space Port.

Once I board Space Mountain, I remember everything about it that leaves me feeling nonplussed. While once the greatest roller coaster on the planet, Space Mountain hasn't changed much over the years. Disney's plussed it in cosmetic ways more than ones that impact the ride experience.

To me, Space Mountain feels dated in a way that most classic Disney attractions don't. It's also extremely rough, which isn't what I want from a ride, especially now that I'm getting older. It will always be an incredible roller coaster from my childhood, but adult me is pretty much over Space Mountain.

Tomorrowland Speedway

Image: DisneySpeaking of rides that haven’t changed much since I was a kid, Tomorrowland Speedway feels like a relic today. Once upon a time, all kids loved the idea of driving a car, even if it was clearly a pretend one. This time happened before videogames existed.

Now, any 8-year-old can play Forza and feel like they’re participating in a much more realistic driving simulation, even though Forza cars are fake. The ones at Tomorrowland Speedway exist in the physical world, yet they still just don’t quite resonate the way that they did a few decades ago.

Autopia and all of its connected car attractions are an integral part of Disney history. They just don’t measure up in the 21st century, a thought that bums me out.

The Transformers Ride

Image: UniversalAs a kid, I liked Transformers enough that I know all of the words to Stan Hill’s The Touch. This comment makes sense to other Transformers fans from the 80s and 90s. I’m much less attached to the Michael Bay films of the past 15 years. They’re glorified fireworks presentations disguised as movies.

So, I knew when I boarded The Transformers Ride for the first time that there was a 50/50 chance I wouldn’t care for it. To my surprise, I quite like the line queue for the attraction, which tells a cohesive story that builds anticipation for the ride.

Then, the motion simulation begins, and the story follows soon afterward. At this point, Transformers The Ride completely loses me as a big, blurry, showy mess of incoherent gibberish.

I’ve always felt that Universal Studios relies too much on motion simulation as a rule. This attraction is the worst offender, going too far too often to seem more kinetic. Transformers the Ride just doesn't work for me, and I'm honestly surprised that it has so many passionate fans.