5. Twilight Zone Tower of Terror

The actual ride of Twilight Zone Tower of Terror is brief and silent. Well, it’s silent save for the screams of gravity-defying passengers, one who regret disobeying the laws of physics. The moments leading up to and following the ride experience, on the other hand, provide the masterful dialogue and delivery of Rod Serling, the legendary host of The Twilight Zone.

Disney modified an existing Serling performance from the classic show. Then, they hired a Serling impersonator to perform the rest of the dialogue. The seamless integration creates the illusion that Serling’s reach stretches beyond the grave, as he continues presenting stories from The Twilight Zone even now.

His latest oddball tale involves guests who get trapped on the same elevator during an unnatural occurrence. Riders learn the unfortunate fate of these people just before entering the same elevator shaft. It’s a disconcerting description that demonstrates that psychology is a critical aspect of a theme park attraction. The Twilight Zone ride experience is only a couple of minutes, but the tension begins well ahead of it due to the outstanding narration.

4. Tomorrowland Transit Authority PeopleMover

Disney park planners once had grand ambitions for the PeopleMover. Uncle Walt himself intended it to become the primary form of transportation at the Experimental Prototype City of Tomorrow. While that never happened, the Tomorrowland Transit Authority version of the concept has carved out a niche. It’s a welcome respite for guests looking to rest their weary feet. The PeopleMover is a much better ride than most people realize, though.

The path of the PeopleMover circles much of Tomorrowland. Along the way, the helpful narration informs the rider of every section that they’re passing through. It suggests things that guests can do in each of these areas. In that way, it’s a kind of guided tour that aids people in planning their next Tomorrowland activity.

Fittingly, the earliest narration on the attraction is the most important. The voiceover highlights Progress City, the scale model of the original idea for E.P.C.O.T. In that way, the narration ties together the PeopleMover of today with the one that exists in some alternate timeline where Walt Disney lived long enough to fulfill his vision for a better tomorrow(land).3. Spaceship Earth

Thank the Phoenicians!

Epcot fanatics share a secret smile whenever someone expresses these words of wisdom. They’re an integral part of the spiel on Spaceship Earth. While the physical appearance of the ride building garners much of the attention, the ride itself is a masterpiece of historical storytelling. It chronicles the dawn of humanity, starting with our willingness to assist one another with hunts.

Dame Judi Dench currently handles the narration duties on Spaceship Earth. It’s a plum assignment filled with prestige, as she follows Jeremy Irons, who followed Walter Cronkite, who followed Lawrence Dobkin. Dench’s job is to describe in concise detail several millennia of history.

On Spaceship Earth, you’ll learn how ancient Egyptians first learned to communicate and pass down the wisdom of their people. Other set pieces demonstrate the significance of Rome in advancing civilization, its fall (complete with burnt ember scent), and the rise of forms of media such as print, television, and the internet. Spaceship Earth disseminates a remarkable amount of information during the first eight minutes of the ride. It’s a blueprint example of Disney mastering the original theme of Epcot, infotainment.

2. Jungle Cruise

Let’s be honest. When you saw the topic, two attractions instantly popped into your head. The primary debate is which of them is better. I’ve made my choice, but I understand that it’s going to be controversial.

The script of Jungle Cruise embodies everything great about Disney theme parks. It's somehow a product of several eras of Disney history. The original script for Jungle Cruise was stiff and serious in tone. When cast members began to riff on the old set pieces, park officials chose to lean into the comedy rather than running away from it. This attraction claims the strangest plussing in theme park history.

Jungle Cruise has become a joke over the years. The once-groundbreaking visuals are now fodder for painful puns that cause you to smile in spite of yourself. Precise wording for jokes like "he'll get the point in the end" embrace the comic nature of various animal/human poses throughout the attraction. You'll laugh whenever you hear that a dead animal is "sleeping" or that a headhunter is ready to cut you in on a great deal.

The dialogue on Jungle Cruise is measured and precise. That's the case because decades of Skippers have worked hard to perfect the dialogue, sprinkling in new gags whenever possible. My favorite reasonably recent example was when Frozen fever spread across Disney theme parks.

Some clever cast member came up with a gag that became a staple of the ride for about two years. Their joke about a set piece was that it was the only thing at Walt Disney World that isn’t Frozen. And yes, an element of “you had to be there” is present with the re-telling. Those of you who remember how park officials went all-in on Frozen laughed at it, I’m sure. The adaptive nature of Jungle Cruise’s spiel is what has allowed it to stand the test of time as a classic Disney attraction.

1. Haunted Mansion

While the scripts for all of the attractions listed here are phenomenal in their own ways, only one ride can rightfully claim that it's the best. And it's the one whose narration is so unique that Disney brought it to life by adding a host, a GHOST HOST.

Yes, Haunted Mansion is the only Disney ride now or likely forever whose narrator apparently hung himself from the rafters. It’s a bold move for a family-friendly theme park, but the genius of the writing causes you to forget this horror rather quickly. By the time the lights dim and you see the body hanging from the rafters, you're already about to proceed to the next section, where your Doom Buggy awaits.

From the moment you sit down, you place your fate in the hands of an undead spirit, a Happy Haunt who goes so far as to secure your buggy for you. The Ghost Host gleefully takes this opportunity to recount many stories about the 999 denizens of the mansion, many of whom are friendly but NOT spirits that you should befriend. You may be a foolish mortal but you’re not that foolish, right?

The Ghost Host isn’t the only voice you’ll hear in the Haunted Mansion. Madame Leota casts a spell for you, while the Bride gleefully recounts bastardized marital vows. And then some of the stranger characters sing to you as you visit their graves. The entire experience is surreal, and it’s the voiceovers that sell the premise. Haunted Mansion has THE best script of any ride in theme park history, and it’s frankly not that close.