4. Moo like a cow

Image: Arctic Wolf, Flickr (license)

Actually, this makes a fair deal of sense in Magic Kingdom parade crowds. Carry on.

5. Retreat and befriend a volleyball

Image: Disney

Maybe you’ve never had any of these macabre fantasies in frustrating theme park crowds. You’ve never felt the need to shout Dragonball Z style at another guest that you will prove whose power level is truly over 9000. You’ve restrained the song and dance in your heart, and you’ve managed not to bolt away screaming from butterbeer-guzzling mobs at Harry Potter’s Wizarding World.

Still, we all snap at some point.

It starts out innocent enough. You just step into a shop to escape the churning sea of guests waiting for the fireworks. No big deal. Making a strategic retreat from crowds is actually a popular tip for visiting theme parks.

One minute, you’re browsing through Goofy taffy flavors, waiting for the throng to disperse. The next thing you know, you’re constructing a fort out of plush Simba toys, sustaining yourself on fudge cubes and rice treats while the time passes. One hour of hiding passes, then two. You assimilate into the merchandise, becoming one with it. No one seems to notice you anymore. You befriend a Mickey Mouse volleyball and name it Willie. You assemble a tribe of Toy Story army men and ascend as their chief, founding a new micro-society where trading pins are used as currency and whoever holds the BB-8 mug gets to address the tribe. A bright-eyed cast member politely inquires why you have smeared ketchup on an unpurchased volleyball. You grab the nearest lightsaber to defend Willie’s honor while your tiny green infantry prepares for war as fireworks blast in the distance like the arrival of Valkyries. Your men think you can reclaim the castle from the invading forces. The BB-8 mug is wrenched from you in a surprise coup by a six-year-old girl dressed as Snow White. The army men decide to make her their queen, for truly she is the fairest and fiercest of all. Will she cast you to the unforgiving mob outside, to be torn apart like a mere turkey leg in the hands of a ravenous millennial? The Iron Lady of the Seven Dwarves holds out her thumb then turns it downwards, sealing your fate…

Or maybe you just need a Citrus Swirl and a quiet ride on the Peoplemover to destress. That’s probably a better plan… probably.

Have you ever wanted to overreact to theme park crowds?