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3. The Haunted Mansion

Everything at The Haunted Mansion is fake. The design is to entertain with gallows humor and amazing feats of Imagineering. Your child won’t realize this. They’ll see a building full of ghosts, clock that go backwards, and a cemetery full of singing spirits soaring into the sky.

You likely find the entire attraction delightful. To your kid, it’s a waking nightmare that proves that every fear that they’ve ever had about ghosts is valid. Before you argue the point, think back to your childhood. Wasn’t there something that terrified you, even though you later realized how ridiculous that fear was?

I once saw an episode of The Carol Burnett Show that lampooned Jaws, showing that sharks could invade a home via plumbing. That one scene put me off of baths for years. The Haunted Mansion has several special effects much more serious than that. Your child could develop a fear of weddings due to a single attic encounter with The Bride.

When you prepare your kid for The Haunted Mansion, keep the conversation light. You want them to enter the environment as stress-free as possible. You should also act as happy as possible. Your child will see your joy and realize that there’s nothing to fear.

2. It’s a Small World

Scary dolls have come to life! I’m not describing the Child’s Play film franchise. I’m taking about the “Little Boat Ride” that Walt Disney requested in the early 1960s. For half a century, this celebration of world culture has terrorized children with its vivid imagery.

Each new scene displays dozens of life-like dolls, all of whom sing an infernal song over and over again. Even children are mature enough to understand the concept of eternal torment. They know the evils of It’s a Small World. Once they board the boat, they appreciate that there’s no hope and no chance of escape for fifteen minutes. There’s a reason why so many stories about Disney hauntings involve children and this ride. It’s basically a voyage of the damned, and your kid will recognize their peril the instant the boat moves. And oh yes, there will be tears.

1.   Any character meal or meet and greet

Robin Williams used to anchor his entire comedy routine around a couple of Disney characters, Mickey Mouse and Goofy. It was a logical foray since he’d once worked as a cast member at Disneyland. The money quote from his standup routine was, “To a three-year-old, Mickey Mouse is a six-foot-tall rat.” For a generation now, parents have nodded knowingly at this joke.

You may dream of a photo op wherein your child tightly hugs Minnie Mouse. In your mind’s eye, your child’s smile is so bright it outshines the sun. In reality, you may feel forced to push your kid up the costumed cast member in order to keep the line moving. Then, you might spend a couple of minutes coaxing your child to do something…*anything* to engage with the character. You will do this through tears, possibly your child’s or possibly your own. These situations quickly grow intense, and parents can’t help but panic due to the pressure they feel to not act as a bottleneck.

A character meal or character meet and greet is the type of thing that parents dream about when they think of a Disney vacation. After the trip is over, you will have pictures and memories that will last a lifetime. In that middle time when you’re at Walt Disney World, the reality will not line up with the fantasy. You will have a couple of bad encounters. It’s inevitable.

 
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