3. Splash Mountain
“This ain’t no laughing place!”
On the contrary, bee-faced bear! Splash Mountain is THE laughing place at Disney theme parks. It’s one of the most joyous attractions ever designed. What makes it so funny? Imagineers had the freedom to build a water ride however they wanted, and they chose to mess with people on the log flumes.
Throughout the ride, false finishes tease fearful theme park tourists that they’re about to hit the water and get soaked. The first several are all fakes, playing on people’s fears by sustaining them for the majority of one of the longest attractions at the parks. Then, the bear speaks the fateful words and Splash Mountain takes a dark turn. A rabbit gets grabbed by the throat, and a bit afterward, the log flume goes up a lift only to splash down at the bottom, drenching most of the guests onboard.
Splash Mountain is pure joy, both for the story it tells and the whimsy of the false finishes that delay gratification for almost ten minutes.
2. The Haunted Mansion
Picking the funniest attractions at Disney theme parks is a brutal exercise that will lead to many complaints about the pecking order and exclusions. I accept that. The most difficult choice, however, isn’t culling the list down to eight hilarious attractions. I did that fairly easily. No, the debate is which attraction is the funniest.
I understand that many readers will just skip to the end to make sure that their favorite is the number one selection. A lot of those people have now skimmed up to see where The Haunted Mansion is listed, and why it’s not the winner. To those people, I say hi! I hope that you’ll take the time to go back and read the rest of the article now. I’m sure that you’ll find plenty more reasons to get angry with me other than this particular selection.
I’d also like to let you know that no matter how angry you are about The Haunted Mansion not winning, nothing that you say is more aggressive than the comments that my wife will make to me over this turn of events, as roughly a third of her wardrobe is Haunted Mansion clothing. I’m only partially joking.
Why am I risking a divorce in placing The Haunted Mansion second? Well, it goes back to the design of the ride. For a decade, Disney Imagineers debated whether to make the attraction funny or scary. In the end, they merged these divergent premises into an asymmetrical but brilliant juxtaposition of the two ideas. And as funny as The Haunted Mansion is, it loses in this category because it’s not funny from start to finish. The winner does nothing but tell jokes. That’s the key here.
Still, in terms of percentage of quality jokes, nothing can touch The Haunted Mansion. We’re talking about an attraction where a caretaker and his dog quiver in fear as spirits rise from the ground and throw a raucous dance party. A Viking opera singer hits higher notes because she’s choking on her own entrails. A black widow bride goes through husbands like a samurai wrestler goes through buffets. And three ghosts jump into your car and ride back home with you. These days, they may even hold up a sign that shows exactly where the four of you are going. It’s an absurdly silly warm hug of a ride that is arguably the most entertaining themed attraction of all-time. It’s just not the funniest…on a technicality.
1. Jungle Cruise
Think about the nature of Jungle Cruise for a moment. What do you actually do on this ride? You sail around the water for a bit, and then you return to where you started. How are the visuals of the various themed settings throughout the attraction? They’re fairly dated, aren’t they? Even though cast members do a wonderful job of updating the look of the signature animals at Jungle Cruise, their appearances haven’t changed much over the years.
If all of the above is true, what’s so memorable about Jungle Cruise? The answer, of course, is the dialogue. The glorious script for Jungle Cruise elevates the proceedings in unforgettable fashion. Most impressively, it’s also flexible. Each cast member has their own style and favorite jokes to include during each trip through (well, near) Schweitzer Falls.
Jungle Cruise is the punniest theme park attraction ever created, and it has stood the test of time for this reason. It remains a staple of Disney’s theme park empire, with a movie version starring The Rock in the offing. Its humor is the gold standard in the industry.
Comments
haunted mansion fans rejoice. with the proposed update to jungle cruise to tie into the dwayne johnson movie, i'm sure the jokes will go in favor of more something else. and HM will rise to #1. *sadface*
side note, i hated the jungle cruise for the longest time. only because the memory of it wasn't the ride, but the super long (90m? back in 1995) wait in the heat. it wasn't for another 2 decades before i came back and was able to understand what was actually going on.